Saving Her Shadow Read online

  Raina sat next to Roslyn in the seat behind her parents. They played a card game, from a deck that the Nation had designed and approved. As with many other amusements glow children enjoyed, it was greatly inspired by an unsanctioned counterpart. They listened to lively music produced by the church, while Jennifer passed out tasty treats from the trip basket and Ken plied them with stories about life in the heartland, growing up on a farm in the seventies and eighties, before computers, cell phones, or social media.

  The conversation wound around to the church and its members. When the subject of Dennis came up, it was Jennifer who mentioned him, not Ken, as Raina had imagined would be the case.

  “When describing your teen years, you know who it reminds me of?”

  “Who?” Ken asked her.

  “Graham’s son, Dennis.”

  Raina became super preoccupied with her card game. If possible, she would have crawled into the box.

  “Fine young man,” Ken responded.

  “Nice looking, too,” Jennifer added.

  Raina was mortified. Except within the context of a church matter, she hadn’t heard her mother give an opinion on another man’s looks in ten years.

  “What do you think, honey?” Jennifer asked.

  “About what?” Raina asked, as if she weren’t less than two feet away from her mother’s mouth.

  “Dennis Patterson.”

  “Our neighbor? What about him?”

  “He’s a nice-looking young man, don’t you think?”

  “He’s okay,” Raina said, while thinking that compared to Bryce, he was seriously lacking.

  “Looks aren’t everything,” Ken said.

  “They help,” Jennifer replied. “It’s what first drew me to you.”

  A deep shade of red crept from Ken’s neck to his cheeks. Other than thank you, he didn’t have a comeback. Yet the way he reached for Jennifer’s hand and the depth of love in the glance that he gave her was proof her comment had touched his heart.

  “He’s going to advanced elder classes this summer,” Roslyn said, sounding impressed. “I think his goal is to become a Supreme Master Seer.”

  “I’m sure he’s seeking the perfect Vessel,” Ken said, watching Raina in the rearview mirror. “With such a bright future in the Nation, any woman would be fortunate to have him.”

  The girls got loud in the back and thankfully the conversation shifted. But Raina’s calm had been disturbed, the night with Dennis remembered. Had he shared his intentions to claim her with her parents? Is that why they’d given their approval unsolicited, trying to write a page of her life before she’d turned it there? Any peace in the situation came from the fact that Dennis knew how Raina felt. She’d not sat with him at the concert, nor spoken anything much, other than hi, after that. She hadn’t led him on. Hadn’t made promises. And although they lived just yards away from each other, he hadn’t sought her out again.

  They reached the campsite just before noon. It was a beehive of activity. Tents were being erected, tables set. Church-sanctioned vendors were setting up shop to hock everything from candles to star water, from blankets to shawls. The church had erected a sturdier construct, a mini market containing everything needed for the solstice celebration that a member may have forgotten. There were books, cleansing wands, incense, and small musical instruments. Horns to blow and drums to bang. There were elaborately decorated muumuu dresses for women and loose shirts for men, most boasting white fabric covered with beads, crystals, and symbols of the faith. Pictures of the godlike founder, Daniel Best, were on sale in a variety of models and frames. Even though most families brought coolers of drinks and baskets of food, the market also had a variety of drinks, food items, and vitamin juice. In the center was a table laden with stars of various sizes and in every medium—wood, crystal, glass, paper, aluminum, plastic, and more.

  The group piled out of the SUV, grabbed their gear, and headed toward registration, where they would be assigned work duties and told where they would be housed. Because of Ken’s status in the organization, theirs would be a sturdier tent with electrical outlets, shower hookup, and a private toilet. Attendants, as ministry volunteers were called, came over to help the family with their luggage and other belongings. Soon after dropping off their things, the family was swallowed up in the goings-on of celebration preparation. Ken was whisked off to meet with the elites. Jennifer joined the elders’ wives in the main hall, where several aspects of tonight’s more casual meeting and tomorrow’s celebration were being organized. Raina and Roslyn joined other Vessels who were handling the tent decorations, program folding, and tending to the beams doing physical labor in basically erecting a church in less than four hours. Abby and other kids her age did whatever they were told. Mostly they enjoyed themselves and the wide outdoors, free from the constraints often placed on them when inside the more formal Chippewa sanctuary.

  “Shadow!” Raina called out, seeing her little sister racing across the grass. “Catch!”

  She threw Abby a foam ball covered with stars.

  Abby caught it and threw it back, adding, “Tag! You’re it!”

  That’s all it took for a play break as several Vessels and Beams joined in the fun. Soon foam balls were flying everywhere. Someone suggested a game of dodge ball, boys versus girls. It was a rare time when other than setting up sides, no distinction was made between the sexes. No subservient behavior was required from female to male.

  “Good job, Shadow!”

  “That was pretty good,” agreed a girl from a center in a neighboring city. “That your sister?” she asked as play resumed.

  Raina nodded.

  “What’d you call her?”

  “Shadow. That’s a nickname. Her real name’s Abby.”

  “Hmm. Why do you call her Shadow?”

  “Because she’s followed me around like one from the time she could crawl.”

  “Ha! That’s a little sister for you. I’ve got one of those. My name’s Kathy.”

  “Raina.”

  “Watch out!”

  Raina ducked just as Dennis’s ball whizzed past her. She wriggled her index finger. Not today. Everyone cracked up. The teens played the game for another hour. As they strolled away from the open space, headed in different directions, one of Raina’s frenemies, Elizabeth, fell into step beside her.

  “Hey, Raina.”

  “Hey.”

  “I heard you talking earlier, about why you call your little sister Shadow.”

  Raina kept walking. She was as sure that she didn’t want to hear what Elizabeth had to say as she was that Debby Downer would tell her.

  “That really isn’t a good word, you know.”

  “It’s a word, Elizabeth. Good or bad is how you use it.”

  “Not really, not for us. I looked it up.” She pulled out her cell phone and clicked the face. “Ominous. Oppressive. Sadness. Gloom. Is that really how you want to describe your sister?”

  “Those words don’t describe my sister. They describe you!”

  Raina stomped off and left her sister-Vessel to talk to the wind. Elizabeth had always acted jealous of Raina, had been critical of her from the time the Turners had moved to town. She was homeschooled, and to hear her tell it, was dipped in daylight and wrapped in sunshine. She acted superior to all of her peers. When Raina had said as much to Jennifer, she had replied, “That’s because she feels like less than all of you.”

  Raina was sorry the girl had low self-esteem, but it was the wrong day to use her for a come up. She purposely avoided her for the rest of the day, and while it was probably petty and not a very high wattage, after sharing what happened with Sara and Roslyn, they ignored her, too.

  By evening, everyone was ready for downtime. Dress was casual, the agenda light. A dinner boasting a variety of chilies and soups was set up on dozens of rectangular tables, along with huge vats of salad, crackers, and bread. Songs were sung. Music was played. The church bent the rules to allow “shine” dancing, which would resembl
e square and line dancing to an outsider looking on. Just after eight, over a thousand members gathered inside the massive tent, most sitting on folding chairs, others on blankets spread out on the hard ground. Heaters placed strategically throughout the structure warded off the cold from dropping temperatures, and rousing numbers from the musicians and singers got the crowd moving, creating more warmth. Ken and other elite members of the clergy gave short talks on the meaning of the winter solstice and its value to the Illumination. The night ended with s’mores and stories told around a smattering of campfires, and later with Ken and Jennifer sleeping inside their tent while Raina and Abby snuggled together in a down-filled sleeping bag outside. They lay on their backs, side by side, looking at a profusion of stars brilliantly shining against an inky black sky.

  “They’re so pretty,” Abby whispered.

  “And so far away,” Raina said.

  “How many do you think are up there?”

  Raina pulled an arm outside of the bag’s warmth, pointed toward the sky, and began counting. “One, two, three . . .”

  Abby joined her.

  “Wait, did you count that one?” Raina asked, when pointing at a dense cluster.

  Abby giggled. “I don’t know.”

  They’d reached a hundred stars in a small segment of the sky just above them. Raina imagined that trying to cover the limited amount of sky that they could see would make for a very long night.

  “I give up,” she said at last.

  “There’s too many to count,” Abby replied. “It would probably take several lifetimes to count them all.”

  Instead they focused on constellations, quickly identifying ones Abby had recently learned in class and adding those that Raina remembered. Soon the air grew colder and their lids heavy. Abby wriggled deeper into the bag and cuddled up against her sister. Raina pulled the bag over their heads and zipped it almost closed.

  “Goodnight, sister,” Abby said, amid a yawn.

  “Night, night, Shadow,” Raina said. She hugged her and added, “I love you.”

  Abby patted the arm that was around her. “Love you more.”

  It was a beautiful ending to a wonderful day that left Raina feeling happy and optimistic. Everyone she cared about seemed in such a good place. Dennis appeared to have gotten over his hurt. They’d laughed and joked during shine dancing, but she’d caught him and Roslyn exchanging long smiles. She’d gotten texts from Jackie and Monica, both travelling to hometowns and extended families for the holidays. Her last text had been from Bryce, with the message that he was thinking about her. In a spontaneous move she turned on her camera, adjusted the flash, and took a pic of her buried inside the sleeping bag, wearing the star gift he’d given.

  Thinking of you, under the stars, her caption read.

  To which he responded, “You’re my star. Twinkle, twinkle.”

  She fell asleep fingering the necklace and thinking that life was pretty good right now. She was experiencing the outside world she desired, yet retained her family’s bond and love. It was indeed the best of both worlds. What could go wrong?

  Chapter 6

  What could go wrong? Plenty.

  The first blip on Raina’s happiness horizon began the very next morning, when she felt a spray of small fingers pushing into her back.

  “Sister.”

  Raina shifted but didn’t respond.

  “Raina.”

  “What?” she croaked.

  “I don’t feel good.”

  Raina’s eyes flew open. Abby never used those words. Illuminators were taught not to speak ill of themselves, pun intended. Instead they’d use phrases like feeling dim, having low light, or becoming germy from unshielded contact with an unsanctioned. She turned over to find Abby shivering so much her teeth chattered. She felt her forehead. Even though her sister had chills, her forehead was as warm as it had been three weeks ago. Raina eased out of the sleeping bag, careful to keep the morning chill off of Abby’s body, slipped into the thick knitted booties she’d pulled off during the night, and scurried into the tent beside her to tell her parents about Abby. Ken brushed it off as no big deal, but Jennifer was concerned enough to rouse one of the specialists. The woman took Abby’s temperature and pulse, checked her tongue, ears, and fingernails, squeezed her limbs, and read her body with a light meter. The diagnosis was that Abby had probably come into contact with the bacteria of an unsanctioned. The recommendation was lots of water and vitamin juice and limited outside activity.

  Abby hadn’t been happy about not being able to play outdoors, and she slept the entire way home, but once there she bounced back to her usual self. Abby’s discomfort abated. That night at dinner, Raina’s ramped up.

  “We have an issue that needs addressing,” Ken said, spooning a healthy serving of roasted vegetables onto his plate before passing Abby the spoon. He looked pointedly at Raina. “It involves you.”

  “Me? What’d I do?”

  “You called your sister Shadow.”

  Elizabeth’s face appeared on her mental video. Raina wanted to punch her, but instead of getting angry, Raina tried to keep it light. “Father,” she said with a chuckle. “I’ve only been doing it since she was two.”

  “It’s a derogatory term.”

  Raina looked at Jennifer for reinforcement. She sometimes called Abby Shadow, too. They locked eyes for a second. Raina saw the wheels turning. But any opinion Jennifer had on the matter stayed inside.

  “I take the blame for this developing on my watch,” Ken continued. “Honestly, I’d never given it much thought. I’ve heard Raina using that term before, but I thought it was something shared rarely, and only at home. When the Council brought it to my attention—”

  “The Council?” Jennifer asked.

  “Yes, honey.”

  Jennifer cut her steak into bitable pieces. “I thought it was just you and Graham who talked.”

  Raina’s fork stilled in midair. Dennis’s father, Mr. Patterson? Had her indignation toward Elizabeth been misplaced?

  “He approached me initially, but later, while sitting around the campfire, the discussion continued with several members of the Council there.”

  “Oh.” Jennifer’s expression changed.

  Raina could guess why. Her father’s promotion. Being raised to the level of Supreme Master Seer was a huge deal, one of the greatest that could happen among elders. There were less than five hundred in the entire religion’s membership, which, according to the Illumination website, was between four and five million strong.

  “I’m sorry, Father. I was using it as a different meaning, the kind that is cast off by the sun and follows us everywhere.”

  “I know. I understand. Because of the impending announcement, however, this is a critical time. As I stated before, and thought I had made clear, there cannot be a spot or blemish on me or my family. From now on, that word is forbidden.”

  Raina was crushed. She told herself it was just a word, that her sister’s real name was Abby, so nothing had been lost. Technically, that was true. So why did her heart feel empty?

  Still, she shook it off. The new year arrived. Her second and final high school semester started. Soon, she was consumed with a slew of new classes, and psyched about the project she was doing with Monica and Jackie. Their assignment was to analyze a piece of classical literature and adapt it to modern times for a theatrical performance. Raina had always considered herself more a math and science girl, but she was stoked.

  The euphoria lasted for two days, until Wednesday night’s Light meeting and a run-in with Dennis.

  “Hello, bright Vessel.”

  “Elder.” Yes, she humored him.

  “I saw you earlier today. You seemed to be having too much fun with the unsanctioned.”

  “You mean my friends, Jackie and Monica?”

  He frowned. “There are no friends outside the faith.”

  “Give it a rest, Dennis. I’ve known those girls for half my life. I like them. We’re working on a
class project together. It’s only civil to be nice. Besides, as Vessels we are called to spread our light everywhere.”

  An Illumination Best quotation in your face. Pow!

  “We are also called to set ourselves apart, a light on a hill. We are not meant to socialize with the unenlightened.”

  Raina wasn’t going to argue with a walking Illumination study guide. Instead, she waved Roslyn over, hoping she’d provide a proper distraction.

  Didn’t work. What she’d thought was a spark happening between Dennis and Roslyn was more like a firecracker without the fuse. Roslyn was clearly interested. Dennis, not so much.

  “Would you like to sit with me at Saturday services?” he asked, as Roslyn walked away.

  “Thanks, Dennis, but no. We’ve had that conversation. I’m not interested in coupling or being claimed. For the next four years I plan to focus on school. After that, we’ll see.”

  “I already saw.”

  Weird bait, but Raina didn’t bite.

  “I saw you, Raina. One day last month, coming out of the gym.”

  Oh, snap. Ish just got real.

  “You were dressed quite inappropriately.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Instead of falling on the sword, Raina chose to lie and deny.

  “Yes, you do. You were heading toward the alley behind the school.”

  She pulled Shaggy from her mother’s soundtrack. “Wasn’t me.”

  “You had on black jeans and a shawl around your neck. The big sunglasses were a nice try to hide your identity. But it was you. I’m sure of it.”

  “Do you have proof? A photo? Video?”

  She pulled on every ounce of courage available in Chippewa, borrowed more from the rest of the state, squared her shoulders, lifted her chin and looked him straight in the eye.