Saving Her Shadow Read online

  “Girl, nobody from the school is hanging out in this alley.”

  “You wouldn’t think so, logically,” Raina said, easing up to a sitting position as they traveled farther north. “But bright eyes are everywhere.”

  “Bright eyes?”

  “Called snitches in your world.”

  Jackie tsked and teased. “In my world there’s only love and light.”

  “As long as a body don’t cross you,” Raina countered.

  “I wish a muthafucka would,” Jackie replied.

  Jackie explained that what she’d said was an imitation of Cedric the Entertainer. Raina had no knowledge of this comedy king, but the way Jackie said it cracked her up.

  “How do you do that, have all of these spiritual qualities but still keep it real?”

  Jackie glanced over. “Have you met my mama, Valarie?”

  “Ha!” Raina had met her, and liked her. “Enough said. Where’s Bryce?”

  “Waiting for you. I think you have my cousin a little bit sprung.”

  “Huh?”

  “Look, I told you when y’all first locked eyes that he was a player. I told him that whenever he messed up I’d let you know. But the two of you are just friends to hear him tell it.”

  “That’s right,” Raina said.

  “Which just means you haven’t let him hit it . . . yet.”

  Raina fixed her with a look. “That’s not going to happen.”

  “Bryce is the cousin that I love like a brother. But he also loves the ladies. Hold on to your heart. Hold on to your panties. That’s all I’m going to say.”

  Conversation faded after that, organically, without tension. Jackie turned up the radio. Raina stared out the window, thinking about the first time she and Bryce locked eyes.

  * * *

  It was just past the start of their sophomore year. Raina and Jackie had just exited the school’s main entrance when Raina saw a sporty black Mustang charge into the circular drive. The windows were tinted, the tires were fat, and the music shook the sidewalk.

  Raina’s eyes followed the cool car. “Who’s that?”

  Jackie rolled her eyes. “My ride.”

  “You know them?”

  “Yeah, it’s my cousin.”

  The car stopped in front of them. The passenger window came down and Raina looked into the most gorgeous pair of eyes she’d ever seen on a man, even better than the heartthrob she secretly watched on YouTube, before her parents found out and added a so far unbreakable parental control code.

  “See you later,” Jackie said, before turning and walking toward the car.

  The guy with the eyes looked past her at Raina. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?”

  “No.” Jackie opened the back door and slid inside.

  Raina watched the young man put the car in park, open the door, and stroll around to where she stood. He held out a hand. “Hi, I’m Bryce.”

  “Raina,” she replied, her voice soft and tentative, her handshake as weak as her knees.

  “You need a ride, too?”

  She’d almost said yes, but just then she’d looked over and noticed one of the Vessels, Roslyn, staring straight at her. She shook her head. Bryce noticed the nonverbal exchange and looked back at Raina. “That your boyfriend’s sister?”

  “No!”

  “What, you can’t talk to boys or something?”

  “I’m talking to you.”

  “Yeah, but I’m a man, baby girl.”

  “How old are you?” Raina asked, knowing she shouldn’t, understanding that with Roslyn looking on she’d already spent too much time with this stranger.

  “Nineteen. What about you?”

  “Sixteen.”

  “Damn,” he’d said with a long whistle. “That’s jailbait, baby.” He began to back away. “When you turn seventeen, I’ll hollah at you.”

  The easy banter ended, but true to his word, he asked for her number the following year. He also asked for a date. She told him that couldn’t happen. But they continued to talk over the phone and Facetime, followed each other on social media and then, after that fateful day two months ago when she gave in to her desire to embrace the outside world and went over to Jackie’s house, they talked face-to-face. She learned Bryce was staying there temporarily, and while his close proximity challenged her willpower, she stayed true to her faith and to herself. There was hugging, a little touching, and chaste kisses. But she remained a virgin. The fear of being found out and permanently obscured was enough to hold on to her panties, as Jackie had wisely suggested.

  * * *

  Raina’s mind returned to the present and her surroundings, reminded that everywhere but in Lucent Rising the holidays were in full swing. She took in the decorated homes, storefronts, and blinking Christmas lights as a young Michael Jackson announced that Santa Claus was coming to town.

  I’m going to be your Santa Claus.

  Raina’s face grew warm at the implication in Bryce’s voice when delivering the innocent comment.

  Hold on to your heart. Hold on to your panties. Jackie hadn’t said nothing but a word.

  They pulled on to the block where Jackie lived. In the short time she’d been away, the whole community mood had changed. Almost every house was lit up. Raina took it all in, amazed that Lucent Rising was mere minutes outside of this small town but seemed a whole world away. In their subdivision, owned by the church and inhabited by more than seventy-five percent of its seven hundred and fifty members, there was no hint of yuletide cheer, not even a peppermint candy. The Illumination worshipped the Sun, not the Son, and would celebrate the winter solstice in less than a week, one of only six recognized holidays.

  Jackie pulled into the McFaddens’ two-car driveway, turned off the engine, and reached for her purse.

  “Uh-oh.”

  “What.”

  “Mama’s home.”

  Raina’s eyes widened. “Is that a problem? Am I not supposed to be here?”

  “It’s all good,” Jackie casually said. “Just wasn’t expecting her.” She pulled out her phone and sent a text.

  “You’re texting your mother?”

  “No, Bryce.” A couple minutes later, Jackie’s phone pinged. “Okay, come on.”

  The times Raina had met Jackie’s mom before had been in public, once at the school and once at the local grocer. Harrowing experiences. Very intimidating. Not that Valarie McFadden was a monster. In fact, parts of her reminded Raina of how her own mother, Jennifer, used to be before marrying Ken—direct, intense, a straight-up boss. Raina tried not to be nervous, but as they stepped into the home’s foyer and she took off her hat and mittens and unzipped her coat, she second-guessed all she’d been doing of late. Lying to her parents. Sneaking into unsanctioned territory. Forgetting to shield herself and risking the dim. Taking a shaky breath, she followed Jackie’s lead and hung her coat in the closet, then followed her friend down a hall that spilled into an open-concept area with vaulted ceilings, a kitchen straight ahead and hallways on either side.

  Raina gave her black curls a quick shake, hoping she looked presentable. They reached Valarie’s office.

  “Hey, Mama.”

  “Hey,” Valarie said, her eyes glued to the computer screen.

  “Hello, Mrs. McFadden.” Raina spoke from the doorway, as Jackie had done.

  “It’s Ms. McFadden,” Valarie replied. “Mine is the only name on the mortgage and I’m the only one paying the bill. Which means I’m paying the cost to be my own boss,” she continued, her eyes still glued to the computer in front of her. She finished typing and spun the chocolate-brown office chair around. “Do you get what I’m saying?”

  Raina looked into inky black eyes gazing from behind big, tortoiseshell glasses. Valarie’s attractive face was devoid of emotion and makeup, one brow raised as she awaited an answer.

  “Well, do you?”

  Jackie intervened. “Mom, please. Stop prosecuting.”

  “Prosecuting is what I do
in the courtroom, to criminals worthy of interrogation and more. Here, I’m asking a simple question to get a simple answer.”

  Her eyes returned to Raina, who simply said, “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Oh, Lord! Do I look like my mama?”

  “Ma’am?”

  “My mama is ma’am. I’m just yes or no.” A hint of a smile dented Valarie’s sharp exterior. “But I appreciate the manners. It shows somebody raised you right.”

  Raina smiled, too. “Thank you.”

  Valarie turned back to the computer. “So what project are you guys working on tonight?”

  “We’re just going to chill for a little bit. We’re all going to be so busy during the holidays, it’s one of the last chances we’ll have to get together until next year.”

  “All right, girls.” She returned her attention to the computer. “Have fun.”

  “Nice seeing you again, Ms. McFadden.”

  “You, too, sweetheart.” Valarie turned back around. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Mama, they don’t—”

  Raina interrupted. “And a very merry to you.”

  Jackie led the way to her bedroom. She stopped just outside of her closed door and turned to look at Raina.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Just making sure you look presentable.”

  “To who?” Raina lowered her voice. “I’m not seeing Bryce. Your mother’s home. There’s no way I’m going anywhere near his room.”

  “Not a problem.” Jackie opened the door. Raina entered behind her. Someone flipped a switch. The room lit up. A chorus of voices yelled out. “Surprise!”

  Raina stood dumbfounded, her jaw dropped as she looked around. The first thing she noticed was something as miraculous as the birth of Christ. Jackie’s cleaned room. White lights had been strung across the ceiling. Balloons were everywhere. Bryce stood in the center of the room, looking like a Christmas gift that needed unwrapping. Monica, Larry, and Steve were there, too, beaming.

  “What is this?” she finally managed.

  Bryce walked toward her. “We know you don’t celebrate birthdays,” he said. “But if you did, Jackie said that today you’d be eighteen, officially grown. It’s a special moment. We wanted to mark it with you. I . . . wanted to make sure to be a part of the celebration.”

  He gave her a hug, and a kiss on the forehead. “Happy birthday, or whatever you want to call it.”

  Raina. Was. Floored. She hardly remembered mentioning the date to Jackie, had said it in passing during a conversation at school about going to college. It had come up as they talked about transitioning out of their parents’ homes, handling responsibilities, like bills in their names. She’d explained then about the Nation’s belief that the time the world recognized was not the true time at all. So birthdays and most holidays were not celebrated. In the minds of the Illumination, the meanings were no more than fairy tales and all the dates were wrong.

  She stood silent, her mind empty of something to say.

  Jackie walked up and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t be mad at us, Raina. We just wanted to do something nice.”

  “I’m not angry. It’s just . . . been a long time since I had a birthday party.” Tears sprang up unbidden. Her inner child leaped. “I can’t celebrate it. I mean, I can’t party—”

  Bryce’s cousin Larry came to the rescue. “Who said anything about a party? I just saw some cupcakes at the store and realized I was hungry. Found out you were coming over and thought you might be hungry, too.”

  “I remembered you like stars,” Jackie said, waving her hand across the inflated wonders. “Nothing up there about a birthday. Just stars, love, and light.”

  They’d gone to such trouble and were trying so hard to accommodate her religion’s unusual rules.

  “I do have a bit of a sweet tooth,” she said. “And the angels are our stars.”

  There was no singing “Happy Birthday,” no cards to open, no colorfully wrapped gifts. Valarie heard the noise and added her congrats.

  “Do anything crazy now and you’ll be tried as an adult.”

  Raina hadn’t felt this free in years. The moment was too good, the fun too much. She became paranoid.

  Less than an hour later she turned to Bryce. “I think I should go. Can you give me a ride?”

  “Jackie said you had two hours,” he said.

  “I know, and I don’t want to leave. It’s just . . . I should go.”

  He reached for her hand. “Okay. But first, you’ve got to come with me.”

  She pulled out of his grasp. “I’m not coming to your room.”

  He looked at her for a long moment. “All right then. Be right back.”

  He was gone for less than a minute. When he returned he said, “All right, everybody. I’ma need y’all to get out.”

  Jackie took exception to the order. “This is my room, fool.”

  “I need to borrow it for a minute.” He tilted his head toward Raina.

  “Oh,” Jackie said. “Come on, y’all, party’s over. You don’t have to go home, but you’ve got to get out of here!”

  After a series of hugs and goodbyes, Jackie closed the door with a wink. Raina’s heart immediately flip-flopped. The temperature in the room rose, now that her and Bryce were alone.

  “This isn’t for your birthday,” he said, holding up a gift bag with HAPPY BIRTHDAY blazoned across the front. “Just a little something from me to you. Okay?”

  Raina raised a hand to her throat and wondered when she’d swallowed the butterflies that now fluttered in her stomach.

  “You don’t have to take it,” he added.

  “I want to,” she said, feeling that she was talking about more than the gift. His phone pinged, bringing her out of the fog. Needing to go, now, she reached for the bag.

  Inside was a velvet box that held a crystal-covered star hanging from a delicate chain. It was beautiful and perfect and totally inappropriate. In the Illumination, jewelry wasn’t allowed. But it was a star! An angel! How could she deny it? She ran a finger over the sparkling jewels.

  “It’s beautiful,” she whispered, near tears again. For someone who didn’t cry often she was suddenly Niagara Falls.

  “Here, let me put it on you.”

  It would have to come off on the ride home, but she allowed it. He walked behind her to gently clasp it around her neck. When he returned to face her, everything shifted.

  “You’re a woman now,” he whispered.

  “I know,” she said.

  “Which means we can do what grown folk do.”

  No, it didn’t. But her mind was curious, and her body wanted more. “Okay.”

  He put an arm around her and led her to the bed. They sat, knees touching, looking into each other’s eyes.

  “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

  “I’m not,” she coyly answered, watching the distance lessen between them.

  He kissed her, softly at first and then with more urgency. She felt his tongue swipe her lips. Not unusual, he’d done that before. They parted slightly in welcome, as a hand rested on and then under her blouse. That had never happened. He laid them down as he deepened the kiss, his hand continuing its journey from her waist to other places. Then he touched her. There.

  Someone should have warned her about that first precoital caress. But they hadn’t, so Raina got gobsmacked. Startled. The world as she knew it instantly and utterly upended. The couple had kissed before, but this intimate caress was foreign. She wasn’t prepared for the jolt of energy that shot through her insides, sending tingles from her head to her toes. Was this what love felt like? she mused, caught up in the wonder of his soft, plump lips brushing against hers, of the strength in the arms now around her.

  Or was it because he was an outsider? An unsanctioned.

  A mixed touch while unclaimed is a mixed touch unclean. A quote from the Book of Light, drifted into her conscience.

  Startled and sobered, she broke contact.

  Bryce’s
eyes flew open. “What?”

  Raina pushed him away and sat up.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It was just a kiss.”

  “It was more than that.” Raina jumped off the bed.

  Bryce’s confused expression gave way to smug swagger, his smile wide and bright. “That’s the first time you’ve been touched like that? Ten seconds is all it took to rock your world, girl?”

  Actually, the rocking had begun the first second, but Raina thought that was a fact he didn’t need to know.

  “Wait, church girl. Don’t tell me.”

  “Tell you what?”

  “That was the first time.”

  “No.” Technically true. That private paradise was touched each time she showered. But it had never felt like that.

  “Oh. I gotcha.” Bryce read his own message into the silence. “First time from a brother who knew what he was doing, huh?”

  Raina crossed her arms, hiding goose bumps that had nothing to do with winter’s chill.

  “You’re really a virgin, like you told me that first day?”

  Raina was offended. “Of course. Come on. I’ve got to go.”

  Once her denim skirt was back in place, and hair tightly secured, Raina and Bryce left the McFaddens’ residence. The ride home was quiet. Raina’s mind was a mess. Memories played. Voices ping-ponged around her head. The church’s teachings. Old-school music. Her father. Mother. Grand. Jackie, and her warnings about hanging on to her heart and other things. Raina felt that she may have already lost whatever was hers to hang on to and knew it would be harder than ever for the real Raina, who for all intents and purposes had just been claimed by an unsanctioned, to masquerade as one still untouched.

  Chapter 5

  That thing she most feared happened sooner than expected. The Dennis Dilemma. The Patterson Proposal. Her family finding out about their glowing neighbor’s interest in marrying a young woman who did not want to be claimed. Yesterday, the family packed up and headed out of Chippewa for the winter solstice celebration, a two-day event out in the country, under the stars. Despite her mixed feelings regarding the Illumination, her concern over maintaining her scholarship chances via a high GPA, or the focus needed to keep the heart beating that someone else held, she was excited to make the familiar, annual trek. Abby was excited, too, sharing the very back seat of the van and playing road games with her best friend, Naomi. The healing techniques of the Nation had worked. A few days after Raina felt her little sister’s warm forehead, the fever broke. No other symptoms of illness followed. Abby’s mind had overcome matter. Her body glowed.